So I've slacked on the blogging but I've felt compelled to hop back on after the overwhelming response to my latest wall post.
I decided there was so much more to say that I'd write it over here. After all this experience has had such an impact on my life and my family.
This was my original post:
Here is my full story. We decided we wanted one more baby and we went for it. A few weeks later there it was those famous "two pink lines." Waited some time and shared the news with our family on New Years' Day and then a few weeks later around 13 weeks along we shared the news with "the world" aka our Facebook world. Our 12 week ultrasound looked good we even got a video of it so the kids could see the baby moving around. We shared this fun photo and we were just overjoyed.
The kids were so excited, Picking out baby names and planning who would share a room with the baby, life was good!
I was heading in to my 16 week appointment before work one morning. I was feeling great, I though to myself finally a pregnancy that I'm not nauseous for 9 months. On my way all these lights came on in my car, I called the office saying I'll be later than expected since something is wrong with my car (do you believe in signs???). I went in with the doctor, went through the normal questions then it was time to hear the heartbeat....
Doctor kept moving around, truing side to side, I honestly was thinking I have another stubborn kid probably just hiding somewhere. The OB had to send my to the other office since the office I went to didn't have an ultrasound machine. So I called work saying I'll be even later, maybe not at all and call my husband for the update and drove the 20 minutes to the other office. I was fine, I actually thought everything is fine, I just get another chance to see the baby, this is fine. As the minutes went on, I started to think.. what if its not fine, I pulled into the other office composed kept thinking everything is fine. As soon as I walked in the took me to the ultrasound room. The tech put the wand on my belly and the image was on the screen in front of me. I knew. I knew instantly, that baby was not moving, that baby had no tiny heart flicker. My heart broke and tears were just uncontrollable.
I called my husband and told him to come home. I went into another office where another doctor who I haven't met before told me what happens next. It was just a blur of words but I signed papers and scheduled a D&C for the following day. I got back in my car and cried some more, then had to drive home. I kept thinking about how was I going to tell everyone? I called my mom and asked her to tell me family and I didn't want to talk. I just drove home and went to bed. And cried.
How was I going to tell the kids? This was the hardest. After we picked them up from school we sat them in the living room and told them. The little man really didn't get it but my poor sweet girl was devastated. We hugged and cried and as any kindergartner she had so many questions. I tried my best to answer them as honestly as possible. She would continue to bring up the topic from time to time for months to follow. It just broke my heart that she would have to learn about loss this way at the young age of 5, the more I think about how she processed it all the more I see what an incredible kid she is.
I also had to tell "the world" because I could not bare to have everyone keep thinking I'm still pregnant and approach me about it. So again I had to post on Facebook, this time giving the sad news. I ended with that I would not be responding to calls and messages but I appreciate the support. Little did I know how much the support would help to heal y broken heart. Friends would share their stories and journeys of similar experiences of loss and infertility, I will forever be grateful to all those who opened up to me privately and publicly to make me feel less alone.
We dropped the kids off at school the next day and then it was time for the D&C. It was a long road to recovery mentally more so than physically but we got through it as a family.
Along the way I learned a lot. First being how common miscarriage is even though its never discussed. And how many people are so unaware and insensitive to what others are going through. Just two weeks after our loss I was at a party with friends and met some new people as well, in casual conversation a woman asked if we were planning on having any more kids... do you know what that felt like? Well needless to say i had a lot to drink that night. There are so many other comments that people say, meaning no harm, that can be heartbreaking to a woman who have experienced a loss or many or struggles with infertility or who had difficult pregnancies that they could not endure again.
So I posted a tidbit about my story publicly because 1. women need to know they are not alone and 1. everyone needs to know that some questions should not be asked. I saw this post Chrissy Teigen and Tyra Banks shared questions that they've been asked and thought.. wow there needs to be more awareness out there. So I hope my story helps someone, I know sharing has helped me tremendously.
