Growing again

**** this post was intended to be published in December of 2015 but was not; update coming soon****

I continue to keep changing directions with this blog but what can I say pregnancy hormones are pretty out of control.  

I guess I should back up a bit, yes, I'm pregnant again.  It's exciting and frightening at the same time.  Carrying a baby after a loss is really a difficult task.  Always wondering if this pregnancy will last.  Morning sickness was actually reassuring but on days I didn't feel sick I worried and wondered if I would experience another loss.  In my head I thought once I hit 12 weeks or 16 weeks or 20 weeks I'd feel better but honestly the worry never goes away.  Here I am at 28 week feeling baby move and still petrified that something can happen.  

A baby born after a loss is called a rainbow baby. M was a rainbow baby and so will be this little girl.  I feel her kick and hiccup and I know she's still in there but over the past few months there have been so many scary times.  Abnormal blood test results, areas of concern on the ultrasound, genetic counseling, some of those I met with through it all were not the most sensitive of individuals which made some things scarier than they should have been.  Now with 12 weeks to go only one more test to endure (glucose tolerance test) then we can only hope for smooth sailing.

I'll be honest, I don't enjoy being pregnant, I don't like feeling sick, I don't like that my body can't do all the things I want it to do, but mostly I do not enjoy the attention it draws.  I can write a whole post on the topic but I'll leave it at people think they can say/ask whatever they want to a pregnant woman and I'm about to punch someone in the face.

So back to my original reason for starting a new post, so I've decided this blog is all about just going with the flow and evolving.  There will be a lot of change going on in the next few months so I hope you join me for the ride.

October is National infant loss and miscarriage awareness month

So I've slacked on the blogging but I've felt compelled to hop back on after the overwhelming response to my latest wall post.

I decided there was so much more to say that I'd write it over here.  After all this experience has had such an impact on my life and my family.

This was my original post:

Here is my full story.  We decided we wanted one more baby and we went for it.   A few weeks later there it was those famous "two pink lines." Waited some time and shared the news with our family on New Years' Day and then a few weeks later around 13 weeks along  we shared the news with "the world" aka our Facebook world.  Our 12 week ultrasound looked good we even got a video of it so the kids could see the baby moving around.  We shared this fun photo and we were just overjoyed.

The kids were so excited, Picking out baby names and planning who would share a room with the baby, life was good!  

I was heading in to my 16 week appointment before work one morning.  I was feeling great, I though to myself finally a pregnancy that I'm not nauseous for 9 months.  On my way all these lights came on in my car, I called the office saying I'll be later than expected since something is wrong with my car (do you believe in signs???).  I went in with the doctor, went through the normal questions then it was time to hear the heartbeat....

Doctor kept moving around,  truing side to side, I honestly was thinking I have another stubborn kid probably just hiding somewhere.  The OB had to send my to the other office since the office I went to didn't have an ultrasound machine.  So I called work saying I'll be even later, maybe not at all and call my husband for the update and drove the 20 minutes to the other office.  I was fine, I actually thought everything is fine, I just get another chance to see the baby, this is fine.  As the minutes went on, I started to think.. what if its not fine, I pulled into the other office composed kept thinking everything is fine.  As soon as I walked in the took me to the ultrasound room.  The tech put the wand on my belly and the image was on the screen in front of me. I knew.  I knew instantly, that baby was not moving, that baby had no tiny heart flicker.  My heart broke and tears were just uncontrollable.

I called my husband and told him to come home.  I went into another office where another doctor who I haven't met before told me what happens next.  It was just a blur of words but I signed papers and scheduled a D&C for the following day.  I got back in my car and cried some more, then had to drive home.  I kept thinking about how was I going to tell everyone?  I called my mom and asked her to tell me family and I didn't want to talk.  I just drove home and went to bed. And cried.

How was I going to tell the kids?  This was the hardest.  After we picked them up from school we sat them in the living room and told them.  The little man really didn't get it but my poor sweet girl was devastated.  We hugged and cried and as any kindergartner she had so many questions.  I tried my best to answer them as honestly as possible.  She would continue to bring up the topic from time to time for months to follow.  It just broke my heart that she would have to learn about loss this way at the young age of 5, the more I think about how she processed it all the more I see what an incredible kid she is.

I also had to tell "the world" because I could not bare to have everyone keep thinking I'm still pregnant and approach me about it.  So again I had to post on Facebook, this time giving the sad news.  I ended with that I would not be responding to calls and messages but I appreciate the support.  Little did I know how much the support would help to heal y broken heart.  Friends would share their stories and journeys of similar experiences of loss and infertility, I will forever be grateful to all those who opened up to me privately and publicly to make me feel less alone.

We dropped the kids off at school the next day and then it was time for the D&C. It was a long road to recovery mentally more so than physically but we got through it as a family.  

Along the way I learned a lot.  First being how common miscarriage is even though its never discussed.  And how many people are so unaware and insensitive to what others are going through.  Just two weeks after our loss I was at a party with friends and met some new people as well, in casual conversation a woman asked if we were planning on having any more kids...  do you know what that felt like?  Well needless to say i had a lot to drink that night.  There are so many other comments that people say, meaning no harm, that can be heartbreaking to a woman who have experienced a loss or many or struggles with infertility or who had difficult pregnancies that they could not endure again.

So I posted a tidbit about my story publicly because 1. women need to know they are not alone and 1. everyone needs to know that some questions should not be asked.  I saw this post Chrissy Teigen and Tyra Banks shared questions that they've been asked and thought.. wow there needs to be more awareness out there.  So I hope my story helps someone, I know sharing has helped me tremendously.

Dinner for you and you and you

I was not always much of a cook or planner, but along with my new found passion for fitness I learned quickly that fitness starts in the kitchen.  So gone were the days of the same few dinners in rotation... I'm pretty sure I had pasta at least once a day.

Well we've evolved, now as a family of four things are slightly more complicated but definitely eating cleaner and more variety.

I should probably begin by telling you I'm a Lacto ovo Vegetarian, I'm not a vegetarian by principal more by taste.  Started as a kid, I was "picky" and slowly I eliminated animals from my diet.  And lets not even go there with the "where do you get your protein?" argument.  I do just fine, probably more than your average carnivore.

My husband is a meat and potatoes kind of guy.  When we first started dating he wouldn't touch a vegetable, now he eats a little more.  The kids are actually a lot less picky than we are.  I-girl is more like daddy and M-boy will eat just about anything.

So cooking dinner I sometimes feel like a short order cook... grilled chicken and sweet potato for the Hubs, chicken nuggets and veggies for the kiddos and a black bean quinoa salad for me.   I must say I got it from my mom, growing up she had to make dinner to cater to her non meat eater and her non dairy eaters.  I learned to stream line,  I do a lot of meal prep on Sundays and I try to pick a themes for dinners for the week. i.e. Mexican - Kids LOVE quesadillas, chicken burrito for my man and a veggie burrito for me.  The time of year I love grilling so burger night is easy hotdogs or turkey burgers for them and veggie burger for me.  You get the idea.  It doesn't always work out, sometimes it's more of a potluck, lets cook it all and see what goes.

Working on sharing some our favorite dinners with photos soon!

Are you a planner or wing it? Do you cook one meal for everyone?

Who am I?

Who am I?

I'm a wife, a mom, a runner, crossfitter, health enthusiast, woah. 6 years ago I was only one of those.

I was never athletic or fit.  I went to dancing school when I was little but that was pretty much it for physical activity.  I never played a sport, and for a long time I ate whatever i wanted, only went to the gym when I couldn't eat whatever I want anymore (but that's a story for another day).. 

Well spring of 2010, I felt like I didn't know who I was, I was a new sleep deprived mom.  I didn't really DO anything but work and come home.  I kept telling my husband I wish I had something, a THING that was an outlet, for fun.  Kind of like his obsession love of sports

I saw on Facebook that my husbands cousin, who is a few years older than me, was preparing to to run the Long Branch Half Marathon at age 40.  Her first one, I thought to myself why not me, if she can do it, why can't I, maybe that could be my "THING."  So I decided I wanted to do that! I can run.  

I got an app, went outside and ran probably about 1/10 of a mile and thought wow I'm not fit at all! I kept at it though I wasn't going to be a quitter.  I needed this.  So when talking to my sister about how I'm going to be a runner she mentioned a program where I can having coaching and fundraise for a great cause and even earn a free trip to the race location!  So thats what I did, I signed up as soon as I could.  I trained with a team (feeling like an athlete, never in my life have I been on a team) some of those teammates became great friends.  With coaching and running partners i competed my first 5k and then worked up to the half marathon!  

So I was addicted, signed up for some more races and another half.  1 year from my decision to change and I ran 2 half marathons and 3 shorter races.  One decision can be powerful.  Learning I can always reinvent myself gave me such pride.  A few years later we met someone who suggested I try Crossfit, initially I thought "Yeah right" but I gave it a try.  And you know what?  I fell in love all over again, hey I made myself a runner, why not a crossfitter too?  I won't lie, it was much harder than running but every time I walk into the box (crossfit name for gym) I hit a new personal record, improving myself daily.  Everyday getting stronger, faster, becoming the best version of myself daily.

Who are you?

Are you who you want to be? Where you want to be? Why not try something new?  Why not reinvent yourself? Find your "thing"!